Note from Barbara: There is nothing like the love of a parent for her child. In June I listened to this child of mine, Samuel, speak at a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway and I cried with joy and wonder and pride at how wisely and clearly he and his wife whom I love, communicated the truth of God’s Word about marriage to an audience of over 400.
Today I feel the same joy in sharing with you a blog post Samuel wrote about the oft-used phrase in our American culture “It’s no trouble at all.” I admired his courage in his post and knew instantly he was right. Too often we use words and phrases without thinking about the meaning. I was challenged after reading his words to be courageous like my son and communicate with words that matter.
I hope you will read my son’s well-written post and that you too will evaluate not just this phrase but others that may populate your vocabulary. And I invite you to follow him on his blog, the Five Minute Sherpa, at SamuelRainey.com.
And if you or someone you know lives near the Nashville area and is interested in counseling or marriage intensives, check out this link. https://samuelrainey.com/counseling/couples-intensives/.
Some time ago a friend asked me to help him sort through some technology issues with his phone and computer. My first career, and past hobby, was in technology so it came as no surprise that he’d asked for my help. After we’d finished the project, he said thank you and for the third time in that setting apologized for inconveniencing me. “Don’t be sorry, it was no trouble at all,” was my response.
I was a bit surprised by how quickly these words came out of my mouth. One of my pet peeves is when people apologize for things that need no apology. It wasn’t true. I’d taken time out of my day to help him with an issue that didn’t concern me. The truth was, it was an inconvenience. But it was an inconvenience that I was willing to give because I care about my friend. I wanted to help him. That’s what friends are for, right?
After realizing this wasn’t the truth, which wasn’t more than a couple of moments later, I corrected myself.
“Actually,” I said, “it was an inconvenience.” I paused to let those words linger for a moment and continued. “Saying otherwise isn’t true, nor is it honoring to you and our friendship for me to pretend it wasn’t a big deal. Me giving you some of me, my time and energy, is one way I’m able to show you that I value our friendship.”
This led to a completely different conversation about self-worth, value, and why it’s difficult to accept love/care from others. It was an amazing conversation that never would have occurred had we both remained “nice” towards each other, exchanging the normal platitudes and pleasantries of a proper friendship. I don’t want proper friendships, I want deep ones.
Our conversation highlights a challenge in relationships: Telling the truth about the small things in life is hard. “It’s no big deal…” is such a simple, polite, and well meaning statement that all of us have made to another person. Too often saying something isn’t a big deal sabotages giving the gift of sacrificial love.
Telling someone “you’re not bothering me,” or “It’s no trouble at all” communicates that the request they are making is easy for you to accomplish. Spoken in regards to a task or to-do list, perhaps “no trouble at all” has some truth to it (especially if the request of you is something you’re gifted at doing). The limitation of this statement is that we deny showing the other person their importance in our lives.
We’re selfish people by nature. We want what we want, when we want it. As we mature, it takes discipline and proaction to act contrary to this natural tendency. So when someone asks something of us, we have to sacrifice our selfish desires for the benefit of the other—this is love. It may be minor in the sacrifice, such as helping a friend with a technology problem, but it is still a sacrifice. In order for trust and relationships to grow, we need to know that someone is willing to sacrifice themselves on our behalf. Without this understanding and experience, we’re left to wonder if the other really sacrifices anything for us.
Letting someone know that we’re willingly choosing to sacrifice, be inconvenienced, and not hold it over their heads deepens relational intimacy. Little things piled together makes a big thing. Be proactive in your relationship to intentionally build a big thing of trust by celebrating the little things.