by Susan Alexander Yates
Note from Barbara: I remember when I was newly graduated from college and living in a new state, South Carolina. Every day was an adventure of discovery, including meeting new people. At a women’s tea, in a room full of total strangers, I met a young woman who stood out. I wrote in my journal that night, “I met Susan Yates, and I like her so much. I hope to be like her someday.” She was a few years older than me and married, which at that time in my life seemed a significant gap.
I moved away a year later, got married, and for about two decades, I didn’t hear from or about her. Then God reconnected our paths.
Susan is a gifted speaker and writer, mom of five, and grandmother (“Ghee”) to 21 grandkids. She and I have written a book together, spoken and traveled together, and with our husbands have laughed hilariously.
Today’s post is one of her best, in my opinion. It’s full of great advice and wisdom for all women over 50. I hope you’ll read it and pass it on to others. Her words about not being lazy in marriage got my attention. Hope it’s true for you too.
Enjoy and be challenged!
Recently, I’ve run into a lot of women whose marriages have grown stale. Some are hanging in there, and others are choosing to leave. Some have extremely painful reasons, yet others have simply let boredom and a lack of work dim the joys of what they had once anticipated.
Have we become lazy in our marriages?
I can easily get lazy in mine.
I used to stop whatever I was doing and meet my husband at the front door when he got home from work.
I used to even put on makeup and a fresh shirt and comb my hair to greet him at the end of the day.
I used to ask him if I could fix him anything.
I used to begin a sentence with, “Honey, how would you feel about…” instead of, “Honey, you should…”
I used to thank him for the specific things he does right instead of complaining about the thing he’s left undone.
I used to sweep the front walk because it mattered to him (not to me).
But I’ve gotten lazy. Lazy about little compliments, lazy about appreciating him, lazy about affirming him for the ways I respect him, lazy in being considerate. I’ve noticed how much easier it is for me to treat a guest or an adult child with more thoughtfulness than my own husband.
After 56 years of marriage to a good man, I want to do better. I do know better, but it’s the doing that trips me up. How easy it is to slide into a self-centered mode that first considers how I’m being treated or what I need or what I feel like doing.
It’s a subtle, albeit dangerous trend. All around us, we see marriages—yes, Christian marriages—failing. Most don’t fail because of one climactic event. More often, the unraveling of a marriage begins with the little things, like the loss of civility in speech. Would I speak to my best friend the way I just did to my husband?
Or the loss of thoughtfulness. Or the loss of a servant’s heart—a heart that looks to the needs of my husband first. Or the loss of believing the best instead of assuming the negative about him.
I can find all kinds of excuses for my behavior, but the reality is that in some ways, I’ve just become lazy. I’m not talking about big marital issues here, but more about the day-in, day-out ways in which we treat one another. I believe that if we treat each other with kindness in the little things, we’ll be more able to respond with grace when we get hit with the big issues.
Do we assume our marriage is okay and we can just coast along? Nothing could be further from the truth.
Today, there is a surge in breakups of marriages of people over age 50. It is often referred to as “gray divorce.” It’s risen from 8.7 percent of marriages in 1990 to 36 percent by 2019. And it’s still growing. Several reasons given for this include: a failure to adjust to the empty nest, financial disagreements, finding little in common, and a loss of closeness and connection.
Sometime during our first two years of marriage, John and I discovered that marriage takes work, hard work. Then we have kids, and we must work even harder to find time together. The teen years bring new challenges, and then the empty nest, other trials. Now, as some of us grow older, there are new issues.
Bottom line: At each season in life, we have to expect to work on our marriage in order to go deeper instead of drifting apart. We cannot become lazy even though we might like to!
Three things will help avoid a slow deterioration of our marriages.
1. Recognize we have an enemy (the devil) who wants to destroy our marriage. I remember sitting on the couch with John having a nice conversation when suddenly we were arguing with each other. It was as if a dark cloud had closed around us.
My wise husband realized what was happening, stopped the conversation, and began praying: “Father, we need you. In your name, we banish Satan. Remove this cloud that has enveloped us. Bless our marriage.” Satan is subtle. He takes advantage of our exhaustion, the challenge of parenting, crises around us, financial and professional stress, and somehow twists the climate into attacks on one another. Simply recognizing our enemy is a step in restoring what God intended. Remember, God is for our marriage.
2. Make “couple time” a priority at each season of life. When we first got married, we were advised by a wise older couple to have a date every week. It was not to be a time to discuss issues (neither of us would want to go!) but a time to build a marriage friendship. We took their advice and mostly made it work. It has been a staying force in our relationship.
And try to get away alone together every year for at least three nights. Why three? The first night, you are too tired or disgruntled to communicate. The second night you begin to de-stress and like each other. By the third night, you find you enjoy one another! (When our kids were little, we traded babysitting with friends so we could each get away!)
3. Have some same-sex friends who are for your marriage and who will hold you accountable. I remember complaining to a girlfriend about my husband, “He’s always working. He’s not spending time with me or the kids, etc.” She listened and empathized, but then she turned to me and said, “Susan, what are you doing to draw closer to him?” That’s a good friend.
Our natural tendency in marriage is to take each other for granted, to unintentionally neglect one another, to simply get lazy. So I’m saying to myself today, “Pick it up, Susan. Appreciate that man. Think before you speak. Speak with kindness. Consider what you can do today to communicate love and respect in a way that is meaningful to Him. And don’t look for a response from him. Just do it!”
It’s easy to get comfortable in marriage and unintentionally take the relationship for granted, so I appreciate the encouragement to stay intentional, present, and appreciative. Small daily efforts really do make a big difference over time.