Did your parents teach you to respect others? And I’m not just talking about respecting authority figures like teachers, the school principal, your pastor, grandparents, and other adults. Did they teach you to respect your friends, your neighbors? Did they teach you to respect people you disagree with or those who are different from you?
For parents, teaching respect often starts with helping your kids know how to respect adults. I grew up in the Midwest, in northwest Indiana, as a baby-boomer child who, along with all my peers, learned to address adults with a deference that acknowledged their greater life wisdom. Teachers were always addressed with a surname first: Mr., Miss, or Mrs. I never even knew that adults in my life had first names, except my parents’ friends Rita and Bud. Of course I never called them those names: they were still Mr. and Mrs. McFadden to my brothers and me.
Years later when Dennis and I raised our kids in the South, I taught my little ones to say, “Yes sir” and “Yes ma’am” like other parents did as a way to demonstrate honor to adults. I didn’t demand they say it all the time; I just wanted the concept to be in their vocabulary. And I’m glad I did.
But it doesn’t stop with adults. One of our jobs as a parent is teaching our kids how to love and respect any person in their lives—their siblings, their friends, the people they encounter each day. And why is this important? Because every human being in made in the image of God so therefore every person had innate value. Being in His image means you and I reflect Him by what we say and do.
Teaching children this concept isn’t easy because communicating about God isn’t easy with children, or adults for that matter. But as you teach this idea and reinforce it yourselves and as you see them respecting others as God would desire, the concept will take root and grow.
Our country lost its once understood-by-all respect for all people decades ago. The only way to change this shameful national pattern is to start at home. It will be the next generation who might influence our national moral values.
Make respect a value in your home. Teach it and practice it yourself. The conviction, “It’s not what is taught but what is caught” will mold your children for the future. As you talk in your home about political leaders, your pastor, neighbors and extended family members, be very careful that how you talk about these people your children know will impact them for life.
And remember if your children have any access to social media or news outlets they will see boasting, arrogance, rudeness, and selfishness that insists on its own way, which 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 plainly says is not becoming: “Love does not boast, is not arrogant or rude, does not insist on its own way…”
Practically, how can parents model this valuable character trait with our children when we can guarantee it’s not being taught or modeled outside of our homes?
God answers this daunting question with a simple requirement. He calls us to always love one another. John 13:34-35 says, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” This love then produces respect for people, even people we don’t like, don’t trust, or don’t enjoy.
February is the month we think about love because of Valentine’s Day. Looking to Jesus, who is love incarnate and the author and perfecter of our faith, we choose to imitate Him as we relate to others. Jesus respected the woman at the well who had five husbands. He talked to her and listened to her, which made her feel noticed, appreciated and valued. Her neighbors and even the disciples would have looked down on her as inferior for her serial marriages, and so would we. But Jesus wants us to show common respect for everyone just as He did.
Here are some questions to help you evaluate how you are currently modeling respect:
1. As parents are you modeling respect every day at home in your marriage? What kind of tone do you use with your spouse? Do you speak with contempt? Are you flippant or coarse or impolite? Are you arrogant or rude? Your children will copy what they see and hear.
2. Do you relate to adults in your everyday life with respect? For example, the checkout person in the grocery store, your neighbor who always parks his car too close to your driveway, or the parent of the always-in-trouble child in your daughter’s first grade classroom. What do you say that your kids hear? What kind of disrespectful facial expressions do you use that they see? Eye rolls or sighs?
3. Do you take time to respect those who aren’t like you? Do you look them in the eye, show kindness, listen if they have a story to tell? Love seeks to understand another’s point of view. Love sets aside our personal plots to understand pain in someone else’s eyes. Listen to others as individuals. And when it comes to politics, listen more to the words of Jesus than to the words of media. I find it interesting that Jesus said others will know we are His disciples by the love we show … and I’m pretty sure He wasn’t speaking just of people whose beliefs we share.
4. Do you respect your neighbors or coworkers who may not share your faith or values enough to open your home with hospitality? Jesus showed consideration and compassion, especially to those who didn’t deserve it. This is hard for us because we resist moving outside our comfort zones.
Remember how He treated a greedy, hated, thieving tax collector named Zacchaeus? Jesus ate dinner with him. In his own house. As his friend! And we know Jesus didn’t agree with Zaccheus’ life choices. He still showed honor and respect … love … to this person. And Zacchaeus was changed forever.
It’s easy to show love and respect to people who believe like you, vote like you, look like you, or dislike the same things you dislike. Real love, God’s genuine love that we are commanded to show to our hurting world, treats every person with honor and respect. Love says age doesn’t matter, gender doesn’t matter, status doesn’t matter, race doesn’t matter, theological differences don’t matter. Real love treats every person with dignity based on every individual’s innate worth as an image bearer of God.
5. To show respect in every relationship, start with what you can control. In your marriage, with your children, with your coworkers, extended family members, remember you can’t change the other person, but only yourself.
Author G.K. Chesterton was once asked, “What’s wrong with the world?” His reply was profound. He said simply, “I am.” Chesterton respected his personal depravity enough to claim his own part of the problem.
We must respect the truth of God’s Word that says we are all wicked. None of us is good on our own. Look to your own fault, your own wrong first, instead of pointing the finger in blame at someone else.
Love came to us to teach us to respect one another. Only Jesus can help you do this by the power of His Spirit who lives within believers. Ask Him to help you today.
Prayer: God help me recognize that my heart is incapable of loving as I want to love, as Jesus wants me to love. I cannot love and respect others if I think I am better than them. Being good only on the outside will never fix the problem in my heart. Amen.
P.S. I’d love to hear your story of what your parent or even a grandparent taught you about respect. I’ve always felt respect is something I can recognize easily, and disrespect in a kid I can spot a mile away, but I’ve found it difficult to describe this trait as clearly as I’d like in words. So help me out if you’d like!
